I’ve always had a plan. Ever since I was a kid, I always had something I was working for or towards. Whether it was studying for an exam or practicing for the big game on Saturday. Working toward high school graduation, going to college, college graduation, grad school, grad school graduation, a new job, a wedding… You catch my drift.
I’d be lying if I said everything always worked out the way I planned, but I still ended up getting there one way or another because that was my GOAL, and in the grand scheme of things, it was where I was supposed to be. I can’t remember a time where I didn’t have a clear view of a goal or something ahead of me.
Until about a year and a half ago.
After finishing graduate school, I had plans to use my degree somehow, some way. However, the more time that passed, the less clear my path was becoming. I was working a job that I didn’t absolutely love, it was more to pay the bills than anything. This was something I told myself I would never do, but there I was. I then had to leave that job in order to move far from home as a new Military Spouse. Again, this was not in my highly detailed outline of what I would do in my life, but it happened (Hi, my name is Briana and I am a micromanager). While these were not necessarily bad things, they were challenging; And most of all, I was no longer able to see a clear path ahead, nor did I have a plan. I could no longer control exactly what would happen in my life. I couldn’t look at a course catalog and plan my days out. It was like when you have a tv show paused and then you fast forward through the commercials and rewind to enjoy the best parts again– but then you get back to live tv. You can’t go forward any further, and you have no idea what’s going to come next. It feels like you are walking down a dark hallway out of which you have no idea if something is going to jump at you or if you’re going to trip and fall on your face.
Needless to say, I was not comfortable with this feeling of the unknown.
While this has been both scary and frustrating most of the time, there is still that glimmer of excitement and welcoming in the unknown. This glimmer has grown quite a bit over the past year for me. While I still hate surprises because I have no control over what’s going to happen, I’ve started to treat the future like less of a surprise, and more like a good book of which I don’t want the ending to be spoiled.
Not having a plan can be scary… Having a plan can also be scary, because the older I get, I learn that plans don’t always work out. But if I’ve learned anything from all those years of working toward a goal, I’ve learned that if you’re supposed to get there, you will. And if you don’t, it’s probably for the best. I’ve also learned that it’s not always going to be easy. It’s often going to be a series of wrong turns, running out of gas, calling a friend to pick you up, and enjoying the detours because that’s often where the best times of your life happen.